I fell for you the moment I first saw you.  It was at a dorm party during the first month of college.  Everything about your face, your body, your long hair, your easy laugh, your crazy energy, your huge smile, was incredibly appealing.  I was totally smitten.

I didn’t have the courage to ask you out at first, and  I had a hard time getting to know you.  You weren’t very receptive to hanging out and talking with me, or so I thought.  You seemed to exist comfortably in your own world with your new friends, enjoying the thrill of a new college life.  I did tag along with you and a few mutual friends to an environmental fundraising event, with an Earth First speaker lecturing the audience and singing Earth-friendly folk songs.  Walking to and from the event, I noticed how different we were.  I would run in short sprints to burn off excess energy – you would skip happily along at your own pace.  I would either talk intensely about serious subjects only, or not at all – you would talk about anything and everything, for the sheer joy of conversation.  I was Ren – you were Stimpy.

Finally I gathered up the courage to write you a long love poem.  It was pretty bad.  I might throw up if I saw it again.  But at the time, I meant every word.  You weren’t terribly impressed.  You let me know straight away that you weren’t attracted to me – no equivocation.  I don’t think you liked my intensity.  You were probably worried that I would stalk you.  But I wasn’t a stalker – I was a sulker.  So I buried my feelings for a long time.

Over the years, I became more comfortable in my own skin, and my social skills improved.  We’d see each other here and there, and chat here and there, and it was no big deal.  We were casual acquaintances, though we moved in different social circles.  You didn’t seem to change too much, and I was okay with that.  Little did I know what would happen before we graduated.

We finally hooked up, quite to my surprise, during a big outdoor party, maybe two months before graduation.  I was extremely intoxicated, and I don’t remember everything that happened during the party.  At some point, all of the sudden, we were dancing and making out in public.  I would have been embarrassed the day after it I had done this with anyone else but you.  Instead, I was ecstatic.  I guess the alcohol and the upcoming end of school broke down a few barriers on my end.  I wasn’t sure why you embraced me like you did, but I didn’t care.  Your acceptance meant the world to me.

We had a few short weeks of dating at the very end of college, and you proposed that we move to Boston.  I think it took me two seconds to say “yes” to such a huge decision.  I didn’t have any other post-college plans, and the idea of striking out for a brand new city was very exciting.  My friends and family were surprised, since we had not officially dated for very long.  But after four years of college, I felt like I knew you pretty well, and that we would be compatible as a couple.

Being young and naïve, I thought everything would go very smoothly.  The move itself went fine, but the other circumstances about our new life together took their toll over time.  We lived in a tiny apartment with very little money.  We both had temporary corporate jobs or public service volunteer work, none of which was fully satisfactory.  Boston was exciting at first, but draining after awhile.  I was worn down by the daily struggle, and I think you were too.

On top of all this, I realized that maybe we weren’t compatible as a couple.  For example, one day you were driving us through Boston in a rental van, going to pick up a free sofa.  You had a hard time telling left from right.  I would read the map, ask you to turn left, and you would say “which is left?” or “what do you mean, show me.”  I was completely exasperated.  How the hell could you not know left from right?  I could not understand how anyone could have such difficulties with spatial relationships – especially someone with a strong visual sense for artistic expression.  Another person would have let it go – but I didn’t.

At the time, I did not have the patience, the respect, and the good behavior to maintain a healthy relationship with you.  I wasn’t fully committed to the relationship, and I decided that we could not overcome our strong personality differences.  Most importantly, you went back to school and found a calling that appealed to you.  I was nowhere near to finding my equivalent focus in life, and I probably felt jealous of your new direction.  So I decided I needed a new life.  I left you, and then I left town.

In the end, it was probably the right decision, even though it caused both of us a lot of pain.  I regretted what I did for the first year away, but over time I adjusted to my new life in a new city, and I came to see that you and I just weren’t meant to be together for all time.  I only wish I had handled myself better while we were together.  We did have some good times, and I will never forget what a wonderful person you can be.